Tuesday, September 21, 2010

A sad day and a dilemma

I received a call early this morning telling me that Stan had passed away.  I had been expecting this, but then again I had been expecting this for the last year and a half.  It came as a surprise only because it finally came at all. 

Stan was my mother's husband.  People will say, oh, he was your step father?  I have always replied, no, he was my mother's husband.  She married him after my father died and I was in my mid  30's.  He never played a role in my life, other than to prevent me from bringing my mother to Baton Rouge to live after my dad died.  And while he had 7 kids and multiple grandchildren and great grandchildren that they celebrated and had cookouts and parties with, he rarely attended anything that belonged to us.  So being married to him, my mother gave up occasions with us and her grandchildren to cleave to her husband and his life.  And so did my father's money.

Then we had the quack doctor event where I tried to get my mother help for her Alzheimer's and Stan refused to follow through with anything I did.  The quack doctor told me my mother did not have Alzheimer's I was just trying to control her.

So there was little love lost between us. 

But that said, I understand what it is to lose someone you love.  And to lose a father.  So I understand the sadness they are feeling.  Stan had suffered a debilitating stroke nearly 2 years ago and was in a coma for over 4 months.  His kids refused to let him go.  And he lived all this time on tubes and medications in a nursing home where he was alone.  He knew what was going on, and he would beg them to let him go. 

Well, he finally went this morning.  And I am glad for him that he is at peace.  He needed to be at peace. 

After talking with my mom's doctor and friends who know her, and my brother, we have decided not to tell her now or take her to the funeral.  She has long since believed he was gone already and that is why she was up here in Baton Rouge.  She cries when she finds pictures of him.  And when his kids came to pick her up while we were on vacation, she was emotionally and physically upset for over a week after she got home.

I think she already knows he is gone.  Her bowel problem resurfaced two weeks ago and she has lost control of them on three instances with me in the last week.  Messy and embarassing for her.  And there has not been one instance of this problem since I moved her here in March.  Now it has resurfaced.  Maybe this is why.  She knows in some way already.

I sent flowers to the funeral "from" her that said simply:  I am sorry my mind can't hold the memories of you, but I always miss you.

And I will be there in her stead, to feel the sadness and grief.  And to take responsiblity for my decision.


1 comment:

  1. Glen - please know that I will be thinking of you. So sad, all the way around especially when you think about 'what could have been'. I think you made the right decision and support you in it entirely.

    Hugs - Marie


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